What makes a mother? Oxford Dictionary states, “bring up (a child) with care and affection.” Being a woman I think it is innate for us to want to nurture, care, protect and love others or someone special in our own unique ways. The influence and power that we as women can have on others to inspire, empower and build is such a gift that we all have and can unlock.
Recently I’ve seen on social media the debate on who mothers day is actually for and I see phrases such as it is for the “Mothers in the Trenches.” With some expressing that their mothers and mother in laws should be celebrated another day or honestly some of these videos give the impression, in my opinion, that mothers who now only have adult children shouldn’t be celebrated because “they are not in the trenches.” But I know that the main debating reason for these sentiments is that these mothers with young children are placed with the burden to have to plan and get their family all packed and prepped to visit their mom or mother in law (sometimes both in the same day) while she herself feels neglected and isn’t able to fully be celebrated, appreciated or just have a little time for what she would like to do.
While I totally agree with wanting at least a day without having to plan or the mental load of packing up your whole family to travel, I do feel that this energy and this debate needs to be redirected to us as women expressing our true needs or desires. Now, I am honestly the worst at this- first being married I truly expected my husband to read my mind or I thought it was selfish of me to think of myself but now after 6 years of marriage, I would say I have improved a little bit and have come to learn that my husband or my family really do want to know my actual thoughts and feelings and having to tell myself that my feelings and thoughts are important and valid. But I still have a long way to go to improve but I have learned that many other women have similar sentiments as well. I also recognize that there are many women who are not like me and who have no problem expressing what they need or want and I admire you. I want to be you and please share with me how you do it!
So although I know these videos on social media seem to be targeting mothers with adult children who aren’t “in the trenches”, I feel that the real conversation and problem is to ask ourselves. Do you just not want to go to their houses? Would you rather just celebrate mothers day with your own little family? If the problem is the planning and prepping your family, did you express this to your husband/partner and ask them to take on that mental load for the day? If you’re a single mom or have multiple children, did you express how it would be so much easier for you if they came to visit your family? If you desire to be a mother and/or if this day is very sensitive to you, have you been able to express to a loved one how this day may make you feel and come up with a plan on how to navigate this day? All these feelings are so valid but the only way for them to be addressed is if we truly express the source of our feelings. Because the last thing we want to do is to pin women against each other ( because society does that enough for us), especially us against our own moms or mother in laws.
I also don’t agree the sentiment that mothers with young children are the only ones “in the trenches,” I believe that when you become a mother or desire to be a mother you have chosen to be in the trenches for the rest of your life. Being a mom of a 20-month old who is so active, who drains me of my energy and tests my patience to new levels is hard. Being a mother and watching my mom now too, even with all 6 of her children as adults now, I recognize she is still in the trenches and it’s not like once your children are adults, you’re going to stop worrying or caring about them. The deep feelings of guilt, the worrying of them living in other states, the anxiety of the unknown for them, the grief experienced when they go through loss, the excitement of them choosing a partner or becoming a parent, watching your children continue to hit milestones as adults, and the stress of their well being and happiness will always be there no matter what and that is also hard.
As mothers and future mothers, we are all in the trenches, each stage of motherhood the trenches may look a little different but in the end we are all in there together whether we have been through the trench that the mother next to us is going through, or watching our own mom’s going through their own trench. And I will be honest, watching what my mom has to deal with now, even with us all being adults- I would take this trench with my 20-month old any day over what we are putting her through now.
So in the end, let’s not forget, just because we are all in the trenches and it is hard, that motherhood is the most beautiful, crazy, emotional, exhilarating journey in our life. We all deserve to be celebrated because we are amazing, powerful and phenomenal women. We all make this world a better place by living in it and the light, fire and passion that we bring in this world is needed.
What are the hard and beautiful parts of the trench you are in right now?
